Lest we forget - Mother Theresa blesses ANZAC day clash

29 April 2007

The AGE

Reporter: Nads

It was a big night out at the International Indoor Cricket Stadium this week for the Anzac Day clash. Cap’n Norro was heard to remark that “other than for the grand final this is traditionally the biggest clash of the year”. And the crowds lining the streets of Lyneham, begging to be allowed in were most disappointed when the officials raised the ALL FULL signs and shut the centre down, with concerns raised that a stampede of 100,000 adoring fans could end in a fathers fatality.

Unfortunately, Conga, who had rearranged his entire life to be available on match day, was bitterly disappointed when arriving just before first ball. Being unable to negotiate his way through the melee – which was by now spreading to neighbouring suburbs. He was quickly ejected by security, and yells of protest “you’re all a bunch of suckholes….if I have to, next time I’ll crowd surf my way in” were heard from the back of the disappearing biddy van.

We all knew it was a match of great significance, but the blessing from above was never foreseen. Inzy, wrapped in his daughter’s wee shawl, had an apparition, and within moments he was channeling Mother Theresa. All of a sudden some fathers thought they had died and been reborn in deepest darkest Calcutta. It was a beautiful moment for all fathers, past and present, as I am sure the blessing given transcended actual presence, and all fathers felt the love, whether they were there on game day or not. Dead for over 10 years, but we now know she still lives – thanks Inzy

Itchy was heard to mumble “Jesus Ma Ta, And I thought this was Anzac Day, not easter”

.”….. this story is biiiiiiiig, it is going straight to the web….hmmmm, but how I am gonna work some light porn into it….”

In further breaking news, Big Kev (aka Witz), more informally known as Kevin, was spotted at the game. Upon Kevin’s arrival, he was heard to say “I AM excited” upon which, like the parting of the red sea, the crowd made way for a man that almost embodies too much excitement for one man. Obviously no one dares to get in his way. With his new moniker, Kevin could not help but speak his mind, “Mate, I am proud to not only be known as Kevin, but to be Kevin, and with luvable Kylie and her luvables in this team, who know’s what could happen. Pair us up and I reckon you got the true spirit of the Fathers in one. And what could come of such a combo – just the thought…..I really am excited. Just think…think of the product…. It could be the start of the next generation of Fathers. Generation F. Or Generation FF. What a frigan beauty”

The spirit at the NICC was palpable. Even Norro had to take a back seat. What a day. What a clash. The result was irrelevant. There was no clash. The bleedin’ NICC was shut. Bunch of Fudgers.

"Welcome to first-grade son...."

Not really, but close, B-grade!

All the teams in B-grade last year are in B-grade again - except for FFCC and one other.

WE'VE BEEN PROMOTED.

We are currently in fifth place on a ladder of seven (go the bye).

Prepare to unleash hell Fathers.

You've been preparing for this your entire lives.

ANZAC day clash for FFCC

Contrary to earlier reports the FFCC will take the field this ANZAC Day.

6.50pm at the NICC.

Be there.

FFCC Academy video

Lesson 1: Never report on an FFCC training session

Lesson 2: Some people you just can't coach

Norro blasts a one

Thursday 29 Mar 2007, 5:37 GMT

Reuters

‘Founding Fathers’ opening batsman, strike bowler and gun fieldsman, Norro Norris with an outstanding batting average of 8, this week displayed his self described ‘exciting’ batting with a rampaging 1 against Howzat Howzat Howzat Howzat (this may be how it sounded to him) to post a healthy partnership of 3 runs.

This was a follow on from his return against against 8 odd queers two weeks ago where he posted a slashing twelve runs in a total of 164. Once again Norro has single handedly pulled the fathers from an embarrassing defeat to be within coee of victory.

Canadians can play cricket.

Founding Fathers pre-season stats ignite passion

16 April 2007 - Lyneham Herald

The Pre-Season Stats ARE IN.

Gilly stakes claim for promotion from part time Assistant Captain to full blooded, full time captain as he leads by example in a tough pre-season schedule.

Gilly leads several of the key Michael Stinziani Quiet Achiever Award rankings:

Leading Run Scorer - Gilly

Leading Wicket taker - Gilly

Most Games - Gilly

Best Wicket Keeper - Gilly

Most FINES - Gilly

Notable statistics also to Our Kylie who is out of the blocks giving up only 3 runs for every wicket taken. Our Kylie (33) also leads +/- contribution by a whopping 28 over second place Gilly (5) and Gladdy(5).

Norris is the man of the moment with his 6 for 20 from only two matches; the tidiest figures in the eight. Norris is a real crowd pleaser, capable of anything with exciting bowling and batting the norm with this up and coming youngster. Norris is currently ranked third in the race for the Michael Stinziani Quiet Achiever Award behind Our Kylie and Gilly.

But never mind the superstars in the squad; the grist in the mill of this efficient Founding Fathers outfit are the unsung heroes of indoor cricketing genius. The stats don't lie but neither do they tell the full story...

Extraordinary General Meeting at 'The Filth'

Commissioner Snorkmeister has called an extraordinary general meeting in "the office" at Filthy's this coming Wednesday 18 April to put the Founding Fathers Surname Inquest back on the rails.

7:30pm start.

In form Founding Fathers contemplate B-grade promotion after flamboyant flutter

12 April 2007

REUTERS

Last year's enigmatic C-grade minor premiership runners up and Semi Finalists contemplate promotion to B-Grade after a compelling and riveting start to 2007. After four pre-season "grading" matches against entrenched B-Grade sides, the Founding Fathers may consider themselves lucky to remain in their comfortable and dominant C-Grade role. When questioned on the possibility of a promotion to B-Grade, Admin Captain Norris was quick to point out that "despite a 1 - 3 pre-season record, The Fathers have faced top sides and are running a deficit of only 12 runs per match on average - the boys are pretty happy bashing it around in C-Grade but I reckon B-Grade would be a no brainer".

Tonight's batting standouts Itchy and Snorkey both blazed a chanceless and confidant 21 (not out) in a gutsy and determined fight against B-Grade Howzat. Itchy pressed his case to break into the senior leadership group saying "maybe if we concentrate a bit more on individual performances the overall result will look after itself".

And Gilly once again knocked a no fuss, not out nineteen. Acting Captain Hugo took only positives from the narrow loss stating that "with a bit of luck and a few calls going our way, and maybe a bit more confidence in the field (most likely referring to Snorkey's sitter - FINE) anything could have happened out there." Hugo seemed unfazed at copping a FINE for an uncharacteristic but controversial first delivery in which the ball was bowled backwards.

Unquestionably, the big positive for the Fathers tonight was the continued invigorating form with the ball from Man of the Match Norris who took a miserly 4 for 8 and had best figures on ground. With 6 for 20 from only two pre-season matches, the sometimes introverted and mysterious Norris led by example: "I new if the Ump didn't see my bending arm I was always a chance if I could land it on the wicket."

Gun batsman Nads and stike bowler Our Kylie were late scratches tonight and each earn themselves a STUNT MAN FINE for their trouble. Inzy would consider himself unlucky in the reserves, unable to crack into the side for four consecutive matches.

The Fathers have "blooded" new recruits this season also: Conga (7 wickets) Gladdy (61 runs from three matches) and tonight's debutant Phil earned his stripes with a first ball wicket. New part timer Witza has been a revelation with daring tenacity in the field and reliably sneaky bowling against some of the competition's most dangerous batsmen. With a plethora of talent keen to join this exciting Fathers side, the Fathers are likely to get a roll on and it is no wonder that the Fatherses Missuses and Lady Friendses are keen to hit the town in another BIG NIGHT OUT.

The Founding Fathers have been fortunate so far this season with injuries and new born babies. With only one new-born "Norris Jnr" in the foreseeable future (30 April), it is plain to see that the Founding Fathers are "on the job" considering their chiseled physiques.

Choco (back) and Gristle (knee) have been hitting the physio and are both hopeful of rejoining the squad in due course.

The Fathers will enjoy a rare "bye" next week and may opt out of any potential ANZAC Day match. To make the most of "the Bye" Commissioner Snorkmeister has called an extraordinary general meeting in "the office" at Filthy's to put the Founding Fathers Surname Inquest back on the rails. 7:30pm start.

Kylie captains Founding Fathers to historic 134 point, four skin victory

Thursday 5 April 2007, 11:26 AM

CPS - Canadian Press Syndicate

Norris was all round fearless in his return match for the Founding Fathers snapping a short but costly drought. With Hugo, Itchy, Snorkey and Choco out for the match, The Fathers were reborn in the field taking catches and run outs and seemingly turning every delivery into a chance. Norris fielded in close and took his catches and run out opportunities with rare Fathers elegance and grace (since Freaky's retirement). He was rivalled only by Nads in the back corner (Freaky's corner) who seemingly had a bulls eye target on his chest, taking catch after catch but in true Founding Fathers Captains Call tradition was ironically pinged a Captain's FINE for dropping the sitter of the match .

Our Kylie's captaincy (FINE for missing the coin toss even though he didn't know he was Captain) was tenacious if not daring. Exploiting a weakness in the attack he inserted himself into the third (premiership) partnership and blazed away for 24 runs in what can only be described as a confidant "Captain's knock". Getting bowled only the one time and run out just the once, Kyles steadied and cracked 13 runs off the final partnership over including a dazzling seven and a steady stream of clever cuts and cover drives. Gilly quietly and assuredly turned over the strike at the other end accumulating 22 runs displaying determined hustle in a premiership partnership of 46 runs.

Wining the Toss and choosing to take advantage of the favourable early wicket conditions, Nads top scored with a meticulous not out 31 in a blazing opening partnership of 55 with Gaz (24 not out).

The Fathers second wicket partnership (35) provided much of the entertainment of the evening with Norris(15) offering the strike to Witza(20) on the way into the middle. It was non-stop action. Norris batted with stumps exposed disseminating and despatching the attack to all parts of the ground with his unorthodox left handed "ice hockey" style of batting that is tipped to revolutionise the sport. The tail enders (Conga(24) and Rooster(4)) had an over confident start with some rash strokes but settled in and set a daunting total of 164.

The cunning genius of Captain Kylie may have been the difference in the contest. Opening with Gaz (1 for 16), he tossed the ball to Witza who's work was done early taking the sting out of the ferocious opening batting pair skittling them in the second over (3 for -2) and fourth over (2 for -3) bowling them three times and taking the "Michele" (FINE CREDIT). Conga (1 for 4) contributed to holding them to a 15 run partnership after having 18 runs off the first six balls of the innings.

Overs from Norris (0 for 14), Peter (3 for -4), Gilly (4 for -14) (in which Norris took a beautiful stumping) (off the Sheila) (FINE) and another from Peter (3 for -6) (FINE for not taking the hat trick) held the second partnership to -10 runs.

Captain Kylie took the ball for the first over of the third partnership (3 for -7) and then again off the fourth partnership (3 for -4) earning man of the match with a match high net positive contribution of 35.

Highlights included Gilly bowling the ball onto his left foot twice (FINE); failing to take the hat trick FINE (Gilly (4), (Peter (2), Our Kylie (2), Norris (1), Conga (1); (Gilly cops a DOUBLE FINE for bowling a no ball whilst on a hat trick.) The Fathers took 32 wickets in a display of fielding that won't soon be forgotten.

The night kicked on with a Fosters Light Ice picnic in the trees. Nads copped a beer boy FINE for bringing Foster's Light Ice. Norris was quoted as saying "if it happens again it may result in a Rule 16 violation and serious ridicule and torment, bunch of wankers." Norris copped a FINE for getting out to the Sheila as did Kylie.

Next Week

After the historic victory, the Fathers are roaring and ready to take on B-Grade Howezat at 9:30 on Wednesday. With Our Kylie, Norris, Hugo, Itchy, Snorkey, Conga, Nads, and Gaz in the side it's a safe bet for all money. Emergency: Witza and Gilly; Reserves: Choco, Inzy; Injured: Gristle (available); Retired: Freaky (available). A 9pm settler is called for in the car park with Beer Boy Hugo. Tickets on sale at Ticketek, Ticketmaster and Norrises place.

The Fathers are reportedly taking it easy on the Easter weekend and may be signing autographs at Easter egg hunts throughout Canberra and the NSW South Coast.

Itchy out of crunch third round match at NICC

Thursday 29 Mar 2007, 5:37 GMT
Reuters

‘Founding Fathers’ opening batsman, strike bowler and gun fieldsman, Itchy will miss the third round trial match at NICC next Wednesday, after discovering he has double-booked himself for the 'Gomez' concert at the ANU refectory.

Itchy's presence will be missed, as since his call up to the ‘Founding Fathers’ team last year, he has scored 974 runs at an average of 52.66. The right-hander started his 'Founding Fathers' career with ducks against 'Shaw' and 'Never on Time', but notched a belligerent hundred against ‘Pumpin' Booty’ in his most recent innings.

The Founding Fathers selectors are yet to name a replacement.

In other news an independent board of inquiry have discovered a lack of early season intestinal fortitude in certain Founding Fathers squad members. The latest casualty is the usually unbreakable Norro. Norro was recently struck by Hugo whilst facing the fast bowler in a net session. X-rays have revealed a fracture of the ticker and an oversupply of estrogen. Norro joins seamer Chocco on the growing Father's injured list. Gazza was named as Chocco's replacement. Moonlighter Nads is also an injury concern, having strained his groin performing with the Cirque de Soleil last night.