FFCC Match Aborted Due to Burger Boy Tanty

Dear Santa,

I was really hoping for a few doses of those cool new steroids that Tour de France folks can't detect but after being a naughty boy at the WICC last night I'm afraid all I'll get is a lump of coal for Christmas again this year.

I didn't mean to have a nasty little temper tanty but after Billy the Kid called me Superman and Snorkey bowled that pacey bouncer 3 metres over my head I just couldn't hold it together anymore.

My girlfriend wasn't going so good as umpire and she kept disagreeing with my wide and no ball calls and it really made me feel like how poor Greg Bird must have felt.

Those guys from the FFCC are just so cool and look so good in those tie dyed shirts and we didn't even have matching shirts and my girlfriend gave me -5 and I was really embarrassed.

I was doing ok early on in the match when we held Gilly (15) and Choco (13) to a 28 run partnership. I was making all the right calls behind the stumps and my girlfriend was agreeing with every decision I made and I think the FFCC guys thought I was really cool.

And then when Cheezy (-1) and Gladdy (-7) seemed to stop trying and wouldn't look at me and just ignored all my cool antics behind the stumps I started really getting angry.

Snorky (8) and Norris (3) didn't talk to me either and Norris complained about no one being able to hear my girlfriend but I just didn't understand because it didn't matter because I was making all the right calls.

And then we couldn't get Billy (10) out and Kylie (24) resurrected the match for the FFCC dudes.

I just knew we wouldn't be able to chase down the 66 we needed for victory and so when I came into bat I didn't bother running between the wickets so at least the FFCC guys would think that I am really cool. And I swore a lot and walked across the pitch at the non strikers end when they were bowling just so I would get their attention. And then when Billy called me Superman and Cheezy and Snorkey started to try to take my head off with bouncers I just wanted to go and lay in the corner and cry and cry.

But my girlfriend sent me off after I had a little tanty and I guess I'm not going to get any for a little while. I guess I was a bit mean to my girlfriend because she was crying so much after she sent me off that they decided they shouldn't bother finishing the match.

Tony rang me today and said Norris had given him the low down and that I shouldn't bother coming back to the WICC anymore and the FFCC didn't even have to pay for the match. And now Gilly has a date with my girlfriend on Friday night. Maybe I'll try Netball, I think I'd look good in a skirt.

Ok I'd better get back to flipping burgers at my cool job at the Fyshwick servo.

NEXT WEEK - 8:40pm
1. Billy the Kid
2. Billy the Kid's mate
3. Nads - BEER BOY
4. Norris - CAPTAIN
5. CHOCO - unfinished business
6. Itchy
7. Gladdy
8. Harmie

Let Itchy know if you can't play...

Fathers Body Language - ARREEEEBA!!!!

The body language was the difference in a determinedly expressive six man FFCC crew tonight at the WICC.
Returning from a spell, Nads lead from the front displaying an unusually aggressive demeanour and even reckoned he needed to get more angry after smashing four sevens, stamping his foot on The Ducks and putting them well and truly out of their misery.

The Ducks lost the toss and went downhill from there. Norris knew a run fest was on with six a side and decided runs were king. (Billy's mate was a late withdrawl (flu) and Kermie didn't bother to turn up - has anyone seen Kermie?) The FFCC squad had recently proven their mercenary run getting appetite and with the likes of Gladdy, Cheezy, Itchy, Billy, Norris and In Form Nads bowling at the death The Ducks were always going to struggle chasing runs.

Gladdy and Itchy solidified their position at the top of the order backing up last week's 56 run opening stand with a solid 46. Itchy top scored with 39 runs and lately he's had every bowler in The Creek looking lost without a paddle.

Norris (27) and Cheezy (25) continued the theme with Norris knocking a four off the first delivery and neither batsman looked back. But for a scintillating seven saving catch at the back net off one of Norro's trademark punishing drives, the partnership was without loss for 52 runs.

Billy the Kid (28) took the strike in the premiership partnership with Nads (12) who strutted and jumped like a caged animal barking and howling at the nonstrikers end practising his cover drives, cuts, pull shots and full on flat bat swipes. There was nothing defensive about Billy the Kid either. The pair peppered the nets shot after shot picking the gaps and turning the fielders inside out on their way to a 40 run partnership. The pair batted on to close out the innings putting on a match winning 68 runs.

The score board never lies and at drinks the scoreboard said "Founding Fathers - 206, The Ducks - no hope in hell."

The Fathers took to the field sprinting up and down and back and forth in their warm up. Nads encouraged, threatened and assaulted anything in his path. Trend setting throwing and fielding skills were on display while the Ducks argued amongst themselves regarding the batting order.

Billy the Kid opened the bowling as the crowd's cheering and barracking built to a deafening roar. The Ducks looked like they had the answers and chased down the skin putting 61 on the board taking the FFCC home crowd out of the match. Norris looked to the cricket Gods and saw wickets. The Fathers tightened in the field and Gladdy bowled a scorching opening over to the second pair giving up just three runs. Norris injected himself into the match and took a first ball wicket. The crowd went wild! Billy battened down the hatches with a tidy 1 for 7 and Norris, sensing weakness, went for the throat taking the ball in hand delivering a match winning 2 for 1 that sent the crowd into a climactic frenzy!

Nads, Gladdy Itchy and Cheezy made it look easy and brought it home with two overs each and debutant wicket keeper Billy the Kid took the match by the scruff of the neck with stumping after stumping mixed with catches behind the stumps, spectacular run outs and dance moves that had Johnny Travolta out of his seat bowing and chanting "Leeeeeegeeeeeeennnnnnd!" Be very aware Gilly.

Fathers 206, The Ducks 142
Skins 3 to 1

Batting
Itchy 39
Billy 28
Norris 27
Cheezy 25
Nads 12
Gladdy 7
Nads supplementary runs 36
Billy supplementary runs 32

Bowling
Norris 3 for 11
Itchy 2 for 25
Gladdy 1 for 6
Cheezy 1 for 23
Billy 1 for 27
Nads 1 for 27
Supplementary Bowling:
Gladdy 0 for 10
Nads 1 for 14
Cheezy 2 for 1
Itchy 2 for -2

Injuries
Cheezy - jarred thumb off a straight drive at the back net - lots of ice and rest from work should sort it out (sitter of the match runner up off Nads - it went for 7!)

Sitter of the Match
Itchy - tricky side back net (off Nads again) but was well positioned and would have been a certain catch with the standard Itchy waste high knee lift.

FINES
Cheezy (1) - failed to take the hat trick
Itchy (3) - failed to take the hat trick, sitter, Captains dressing down (what is it with batting superstars? KP syndrome?)
Kermie (3) - failed to turn up

Car Park
Brilliant - nice work Cheezy with the Carlton Draughts.

Father of the Week goes to NADS FOR MATCH WINNING BODY LANGUAGE!!

NEXT WEEK - 8:40pm
1. Norris - Captain, beer boy
2. Nads
3. Billy the Kid
4. Cheezy
5. Gladdy
6. Our Kylie
7. Snorkey
8. Gilly

BREAKING NEWS
Congratulations to Madman who had a BABY GIRL!!!
Wet the head 7:30pm next Tues at the Irish Club (before the match)
Nads has announced the drinks are on the FFCC!

Beijing comes alive with introduction of the Founding Fathers

Reuters

A lackluster Beijing Olympics was awakened from its tedium last night by the introduction of the sexy new Olympic demonstration sport, indoor cricket.

With the pride of the game on the line and the potential for billions of people to be introduced to the spectacle of indoor cricket there was a lot riding on the match. Fortunately the crouching tiger Norris and the hidden dragon Itchy did not disappoint and combined to put the 'Smashed Budgies' to the sword in the first ever indoor cricket match at the Beijing Olympics.

Despite missing the opening ceremony on Friday night due to a dearth of sponsorship dollars the Fathers responded well considering the match had to be moved from Beijing to Weston Creek.

After winning the toss the Fathers put the little Budgies in to the field. Perhaps the Budgies were distressed at not playing in their favored birds nest stadium or perhaps they were just suffering in the 35 degree heat and 90% humidity but whatever the case their bowlers were just not up to the task.

The normally unflappable Australian Olympic broadcaster Bruce McAvaney summed it up best last night when he exclaimed, "Forget Hackett, forget Phelps and forget Olympic feats of yore, the real excitement machines of the 2008 Olympics in Beijing are the Founding Fathers!"

To be fair, Bruce had a point last night. The flashing blades of the Fathers batsmen decimated the Budgies attack and by the time the 16 overs were done the wounded Budgies had conceded 189 runs and a lot of cuttlefish in side bets.

Top scoring bat was Harmie with Norris and Snorky providing bludgeoning cameos also. Highlights included Norris being bowled around his leg by a ball deceptive in its timidity of pace and straight flight.

When the time came to take the field the Beijing Fathers did not yield to the temptation to take it easy and rest for later Olympic encounters. Instead the Fathers amped it up a bit more and sent down exocet after exocet missile. The fielding Fathers supported their bowlers with feats reminiscent of Jackie Chan and Jet Li at their lithesome best. Tumbling here and tumbling there to gather up the ball combined with laser like throwing accuracy to have the Budgies on the rack early.

In truth the Budgies never had a chance against the Olympic debutant Fathers and it ended with them posting a paltry 91 chasing down the Fathers 189.

The only question that remains is how far the Fathers can take this new found interest in indoor cricket that their Olympic debut has created? Will they take eventual gold against the highly fancied Slovaks? Will they move the franchise to China to capitalise on the emerging Asian fan base? The streets of Beijing are already lined with vendors selling replica Fathers jerseys and autographed score sheets are in hot demand.

A new cultural revolution for China perhaps? Only time will tell but one thing is for sure, the 2008 Beijing games mark the beginning of a new era in Olympic and FFCC history.

BREAKING NEWS
In related news last nights explosive entry onto the Olympic scene sent a strong message to potential FFCC sponsors.

FFCC manager, Khoder Nasser, and ardent supporter Anthony 'Choc' Mundine were unequivocal in denouncing the Australian business community for not getting behind this great Australian team, "look mate, we all know it's because the boys are Muslims that no one has sponsored them. Racism and religious bigotry in this country has to be stamped out".

When it was later pointed out that none of the FFCC squad was, in fact, Muslim Khoder was quick to clarify his earlier statement, "Sorry guys, my mistake. I have two clients with similar names, Sonny Bill Williams and Sonny Bill Wilson, it's confusing. I meant to have said that Australian sponsors are ageist. I'll be the first to admit that the boys are not necessarily spring chickens but their good looks, panache and dogged determination have got to be worth something to someone surely? Hello Viagra?"

FFCC player representative 'Nads' was believed to be holidaying with Sonny Bill Wilson and the Khmer Rouge on the Laos Cambodia border and could not be contacted for comment.

Fathers back where they belong

There was a sudden unveiling of nerves for some reason as I sat down at my computer to write this tale of 8 impeccable sportsman, maybe because of the brilliant write ups before me or perhaps just because of the lies I was about to spit. The truth is that I have always been a good fiction writer in a short story kind of way. So that's exactly what this will be a short story of men, likes of which have never been seen before to face battle on the court,on a dark and stormy night.

Due to the obvious scare factor that the Fathers bring onto the court our opposition John's Jokers were two men down, I don't think we are so intimidating that we would cause people not to show up but it seemed to be the case. So we took to the field first with a not so bad could be better opening over by Billy the good looking kid. To be sure our next three bowlers Norris Snork and cheesy bowled great figures, in a word indestructible Norris giving 11 runs Snork a brilliant ZERO and two wickets with a stumping by Gilly and a run out in the field. Cheesy with a solid five runs given, making the first quarter of football, sorry cricket a great start. Next in was Gladdy with his deceiving slow run up only to fire them out at 100 miles an hr with a great 6 runs given. Mad man gave an Honorable first over on paper due to the class in the field surrounding him but giving a personal two wicket heist in his second lapping up a four wicket all day performance. Snork in his second over, again solid with one wicket for four. Followed by two slightly heavier performances by Itchy with 15 and Norris 23 the Fathers powered home in the field with some out of this world keeping by Gilly and some tight ass bowling by the tail enders not giving away much at all. So in short we bowled and fielded a competent half of indoor cricket giving away only 140 runs, a doable target.

First in for the Fathers with the wood was Gilly and Gladdy showing nothing but class only giving away one wicket and making a sexy start of 48 runs. Only to be followed by a legendary pair in billy and mad man scoring a stable 33 between them, mad man 32 billy 1 OUCH!. Itchy and Snorky coming into bat at a intricate part of the match needing to really pull some runs together to make the win a shore thing, a score of 27 left our big hitters Cheezy and Norris in a plump position to collect a ripe old final score of 162.

Once again the Fathers are back in the winners circle.

Fathers narrowly avoid victory

Last week the Fathers faced up against the Happy Salmons, a fellow team competing with shirts that some may consider dangerous to wear in the Weston and Charnwood areas, however they proved to be more than just a mob of "try-hard metros".

Batting first, the Fathers found themselves in a strong position after the opening pair of Mad Man and Nads built a steady partnership of 40, with Nads playing some cavalier shots to notch up 2 maximums to bring up a solid score of 24. Unfortunately Mad Man was the victim of the first of a series of poor judgements from our official, Blind Freddy. The following pair of Snorky and Gladdy threatened to cut loose, but were unable to continue the flow of runs and managed 14 together. Their progress restrained by the regular unwelcome interjections of Freddy.

In third was the somehow prolific pairing of Norris and Harmie, producing a majestically dour 49, as they proceeded to send the fielding side to sleep with their consolidation of the innings. Norris grafting a textbook 23 and Harmie milking a painful 26. With the Fathers sitting on 103, the fourth pair of Itchy and Gilly were looking to build a formidable total. At this point the court lights turned off and when they came back on again, the Fathers were 107 from their 16 overs. Some believe this was the work of Blind Freddy, however the claims cannot be substantiated. Gilly apparently managed to acquire 18 runs in the darkness.

Despite some setbacks with the bat, the Fathers appeared upbeat in the field, only to the see the Salmon's opening pair nick their way to 49. Nads the only shinning light with the ball in the first 4 overs, bagging 1/5. The Fathers then hit their straps in the next 4 overs to restrict the Salmons to a total of 66. Gladdy (1/0), Mad Man (2/1) and Itchy (1/3), dragging the Fathers back into the match.

The Salmons next pair managed to rack up 28, however Snorky (1/3) and most notably Norris with a huge over of 4 for -8, still managed to give the Fathers a sniff of victory. With the Salmons needing 14 off the last 4 overs, Gilly (2/1) and Harmie (2/0) left them with some work to do in the last 2. However just when the Fathers were gaining momentum, Blind Freddy stepped in to give the Salmons a helping hand, missing some clear stumpings and run outs to push to Salmons over the line by only 2 runs.

Overall, some promising moments splattered with some "special" ones, which were mostly forgotten when the Fathers gathered in the Weston car park to witness Mad Man revealing his esky on wheels filled with amber sports drinks. At some point late in the evening some wild and crazy stories were told of hoards of mad men riding around a mountain for 24 hours non-stop. When some members of the Fathers signalled their intention to join this wacky cult, it was determined that the "Weston Freeze" was taking affect and that all should escape to the safety of their homes.