Weakened Fathers get another thrashing

The Benaud Files
Thursday 28 June 2007

A bunch of old blokes sprinkled with talent from Don Bradman's invincibles (a.k.a 'Howzat) eclipsed a Founding Fathers outfit 178-114 in the Lyneham Indoor Cricket B- grade clash last night.

Howzat strike bowler George Burns, who had former invincible Authur Morris alongside him, was one of six wicket takers for Howzat.

It was another typically dogged performance from the last-placed Fathers, who had to take on Howzat with seven fathers and one late inclusion, Mr. Dice.

"Against that sort of side, you'd have to say we went pretty well," captain Gilly said last night.

"They had three or four blokes under seventy, one from the Jindalee and another from the Goodwin retirement home, both quality cricket breeding grounds. We had the bare seven with one ringer.

"Unfortunately we had a lot of guys away, mostly due to it being quite cold and rainy, and it left us a bit short. When they scored forty plus in their first dig, I thought 'Oh no, here we go', but the boys dug in well and showed a lot of guts."

Highlights included Gilly with a vintage captain's knock high scoring with 23 runs and typically dogged performances from Kev, Conga, Hugo, Kylie, Itchy and Snorky who covered himself in glory by nearly decapitating the ringer Mr Dice with a exocet missile delivered from a range of only four metres.

The Fathers are now in last place on the ladder, nine thousand points behind first-placed 'Two Jugs'.

Next weeks match – Wednesday 4 July - Fathers vs Dodgy Wicket – 7pm (shortened overs - State of Origin)

In the 8
1 Hugo
2 Nads - captain
3 Gladdy
4 Conga
5 Gilly
6 Itchy - beer boy
7 Kev
8 Gilly's mate Dom

Unavailable
9. Snorky (NZ - choice bro)
10. Norris (Daddy day care)
11. Our Kylie (mentoring Wayne Arthurs at Wimbledon)

Injured
Choco (European Vacation)
Gristle (rumoured to have retired... strongly denied! Excellent news!)
Inzy (foot massages)

An open letter to the Spanish chairman of selectors

Dear Senors

The purpose of this brief letter is to introduce you to Snorky a.k.a the ‘Snorkmeister’ (pictured) and to propose the commencement of a business relationship between our two esteemed organisations.

Snorky is currently enjoying first team status with the world renowned ‘Founding Fathers’ Australian indoor cricket team. A quick check on Google will no doubt illustrate that the ‘Snorkmeister’ is an accomplished batsman, bowler and fielder.

Snorky will soon leave Australia for a year’s sabbatical in your country. He does so with our blessing but as Snorky is still currently under contract to the ‘Founding fathers’ we would like to recoup a portion of our significant investment in this outstanding athlete.

With that in mind I would like to offer his services as captain/coach of your national indoor cricket team. In exchange all I ask is that you agree to pay all costs when the Founding Fathers tour Spain later this year. The touring squad will number 12 and only require return business class flights, accommodation (5 star), sangria, tapas, tequila and a per diem allowance per player of $200 USD.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely yours

Itchy Esquire
Founding Fathers
(Acting) Admin Captain

NORRIS HEEDS CRY FOR HELP: CUTS SHORT SEMI-RETIREMENT

South Canberra Chronicle June 2007

In a gala press release at the LCG: home of indoor cricket, Indoor Cricket Australia (ICA) announced that one of it's Bawley Point International representative stalwarts is making a shock return from semi-retirement for next Wednesday's 8:10pm clash against HOWEZAT.

When probed as to the timing of Norris' return, with the encampment season looming, the ICA would neither confirm nor deny that drugs, alcohol or karaoke had anything to do with Norris' pre-mature return to the nets at the NICC.

Norris' manager described the return as a major boost to the fledgling Fathers. "The crowd will be at capacity next Wednesday in anticipation of seeing Norris improve on the -14 he scored in his last at bat."

TAB Sportsbet now has the Founding Fathers ($1.40) as run away favourites to beat HOWEZAT ($2.80).

Motivational video

Fire up fathers! Check out these pros!

Fathers take on top dogs

AAP

League leaders ‘Two Jugs’ came face to face with the Founding Fathers last night in a match many thought would go down to the wire.

Many were wrong.

An inauspicious beginning saw the Fathers Captain Snorky not present at the coin toss (fine). In his stead however was the ever reliable new (acting) Admin Captain Itchy (fine credit). Despite Itchy’s best efforts (he didn’t toss or call but tried mind control techniques) the Fathers lost the toss and were put into bat.

Snorky gambled big first up and paired the irrepressible Hugo and the enigmatic Itchy together (fine). The last time this pair batted together there was a frenzy of flashing willow. The willow flashed again last night but once the smoke cleared it was obvious that ‘Two Jugs’ had picked up a wicket or two. Hugo and Itchy finished with 9, not the best of starts.

Next up were the pairing of Snorky and Gladdy. They got off the mark with a flourish and the ever reliable Gladdy survived yet another innings without loss. The Snorkmeister lost a few in the end but due mainly to the red mist descending late in his innings. They ended up on 32.

Conga and Gilly were next in. Elegant strokework and rapid running between the wickets saw them tear the ‘Two Jugs’ attack apart at times. A couple of unlucky wickets took their overall tally down to a respectable 32.

Now it was Nads turn. The Fathers were one short, Itchy made himself scarce at the right time (weak bladder) and the ‘Two Jugs’ captain was forced to choose Snorky, BIG mistake. Snorky took to his chance for redemption like a duck to water. Can’t remember what they got but I think it was ok.

Fathers all done for 86.

The less said about what came next the better. Two Jugs came in and went bananas, 67 off the first partnership to be precise. The Fathers rallied and ended up ’restricting’ them to 156. Notable bowling performances came from Hugo, Gladdy and Snorky who all finished up on two wickets for only a few runs each.

Fielding was, at times, brilliant and at other times less than brilliant. Nads dropped the sitter of the match (fine) then caught a pearler a ball or two later. He also failed to stop three consecutive 7’s being hit off Itchy’s bowling (fine), very remiss and highly dangerous long term behaviour.

Perhaps surprisingly during ‘cocktails in the car park’ the mood was unerringly buoyant. Gladdy spoiled an otherwise exemplary performance by delivering a vitriolic speech about the terrible ‘bum sniffing’ games of rugby league and union (fine) but otherwise the banter was up to its usual high standards.

Onward and upwards fathers!

Next weeks match – Wednesday 27 June - Fathers vs Howzat – 8.10pm

In the 8
1 Norris (suggestion you might be able to do the 8.10pm games – please advise at your earliest convenience as Nads may have a ringer)
2 Nads
3 Our Kylie
4 Snorky – beer boy swansong
5 Conga
6 Gilly - Captain
7 Itchy
8 Kev

Unavailable
9. Gladdy (gene splicing)
10. Hugo (Milan fashion week)

Injured
Choco
Gristle (still?)
Inzy

FFCC Indian chapter now on tour

These chaps in the subcontinent do love their cricket.

Game cancelled - cars falls on Norro - coincidence?

I think not.

How Norro, Nads and Itchy spent Saturday, car (un) tipping.....

Seems that it is the modern version of cow tipping and that Google is hastening it's spread.

Thoroughly recommended. (yes, that REALLY is Norro and yes we really did untip this car - click on above photo for larger version)

By the way, don't leave your car parked in the car park opposite Mooseheads in Civic overnight if you don't want this happening to you.

GIRL GUIDES MOONLIGHTING SCANDAL EXPOSED!

CANBERRA CHRONICLE
7 JUNE 2007

The Snorkmeister, Itchy, Hugo and Our Kyle wish to confess. We apologise profusely for attending the Girl Guides meeting on Wednesday.

The decision was a difficult one and weighed heavily on our minds as we helped the girls bake their cookies, but as caring sharing men we got an immense deal of satisfaction from the smile we put on their faces.

We are dreadfully sorry about the 100 run humiliation the rest of the team had to face.

The girls asked after you all but thought it may best for you to stay doing what you do best….cricket it seems

Cookie Monster

GIRL GUIDES MOONLIGHTING SCANDAL

CANBERRA CHRONICLE
6 JUNE 2007

Four Founding Fathers were indefinitely suspended last night by team management after it surfaced that they had been "moonlighting" in the local Wednesday Night Girl Guides Cookie "Bake Off" competition. Citing a lack of commitment to the Founding Fathers, the statement provided to the press identified Snorkey, Hugo, Itchy and Our Kylie were to be controversially suspended for inadvertently bringing the Founding Fathers Brand into disrepute.

The Girl Guides Association was contacted and described the four disgraced Fathers as four of the most dedicated girls in the group.

After being named in the 8 man squad Hugo, Itchy and Our Kylie all dropped out of the side on game day raising suspicions of extracurricular activities. Snorkey, believed to be the ring leader, may face tough sanctions and be forced to wear his girl guide uniform in future matches.

In an unprecedented display of commitment, Gilly and Norris came off the bench on short notice thus avoiding a Fathers forfeit and outlay of $96.

But the six member Founding Father squad was never able to recover after learning that their cricketing colleagues had turned their backs on them. In a desperate move and possibly lacking judgement after learning of the Girl Guides scandal, Captain Gladdy enlisted two members of the Joe Dacky squad to bolster the ranks.

Now the laughing stock of the B-Grade competition, the Founding Fathers went down by over a hundred runs for the second time in three weeks.

The Founding Fathers executive team held a post match crisis car park conference. It was determined that the Founding Fathers should meet at the Old Canberra Inn for State of Origin beers and feed ahead of the 10:00pm start next week against the hapless Yallops.

In the 8:

1. Big Kev - Captain

2. Gladdy

3. Conga

4. Gilly

5. Norris

6. to be named

7. to be named

8. to be named

Reserves:

Nads - Newcastle

Choco - Ireland

Gristle - Betty Ford

Girl Guides:

Snorkey

Hugo

Itchy

Our Kylie