Grumpy Umpie Foils Fathers Fun Flogging Foolish Flies

Mussolini returned to umpire at the WICC after a prick of a day at work and the discovery that his girlfriend had spent the afternoon with the Maggots captain. He was in a mood that rhymed with bunt. Nothing like spending a hundred bucks when you get 100% effort from the opposition - knobs. Ol’ capn was knackered from his afternoons exploits and umpie took 5 for each stroke. So 10 runs down and ol’ victa (two stroke) launched into a volley of verbal abuse giving Gilly the best figures of his career. Not bad for a bloke that was diagnosed with Ebola not 2 weeks prior. Gilly also knocked up a handy 27 pad free. Great to have him back, though he was lucky to escape equipment abuse with some glove throwing.

The wicket and bowling was also to Itchy’s taste – his characteristic fleet footed front foot play was sublime in his knock of 40 (world record) and his agile back court catching of the maggots bullets was nothing short of superb. Other notable batting performances were Nads 38, the enigmatic Cheesy 30 and Norro with a brilliant 8…Jimmy Higgs coaching has really helped him along. Look I can crap on all day but it was noted that my card run thru was dreary and boring - and I might add so was the game. Abuse, counter abuse, fines, reports and complaints - a distinct lack of effort and a win that was assured before the maggots 6th over. Crap really, and we can only hope things will improve.

Car park beers were spent fighting over admin duties more specifically dealing with the late pullouts from the frog – Billy’s 5.30pm party invite (but a good knock Bill – 24) also copped some abuse from the Canook. So after Norros’ uncompromising withdrawl from his post Itchy and I decided to take on the administrative duties. Good on ya Itch. Just an aside to let you know my hair has grown back where my head was scraping on the roof of the pimp mobile on the way home, and Amber wondered why I smelt of cheap perfume. Happy to let you pick me up as long as its dark.

The only other thing to emerge from the cool rarified atmosphere of the car park was the impending FATHERS FAMILY TRIP TO BALI. Put a week aside next July – first week of school holidays. Think about it – but leave the boogie board at home. Norro’s the mule. Kids, Missuses, Fathers and pets are welcome. It will be one of those things that will be remembered with great fondness as you draw your last breath, and the great thing is that the kids will be so knackered after a day in the pool they will be asleep by 6! Arak o’clock. More details to follow. Word up the Missuses, but don’t write it on your hand Gladdy.
Capn Snorkwash

Fathers push 'Juicy Ham' hard, get hammered

Butchers Weekly Gazette

It was a close-run thing against 'Juicy Ham' last Tuesday, but the six man (and one ringer) Fathers outfit ended up being hammered by 42 runs.

Nads and his men battled manfully, and pushed 'Juicy Ham' hard, but in the end 'false promises' and 'bullshit and bluster' were no match for basic cricketing skill and ability, and it was the 'Hams' who emerged victorious.

The Fathers started well and claimed their first major victory of the season, when they won the toss and elected to field first.

From there it was all downhill as the B Grade 'Hams' went nuts and slugged away at the hapless Fathers attack.

By the time the 'Hams' had finished with the Fathers 16 overs their score stood at a respectable 172. The Fathers fared a little better with the bat but by the time the smoke cleared they had come up short by 42 runs.

A day to forget in Fathers folklore.


NEXT WEEK'S MATCH - 7.20pm

1. Nads
2. Gladdy
3. Snorky (el Capitano)
4. Itchy (beermeister)
5. Kermie
6. Gristle
7. Gilly
8. Norris

Pending call up: Billy the kid, Madman, Harmie, Hugo etc

Encampment June 2008

Check out more encampment shots here.

Billy the Kid - Notoriety, fact vs reputation

Wicket Investigator, July 2008

Henry McCarty (alias William H. Bonney) (better known as "Billy the Kid") (November 23, 1859 - July 8, 2008),
As with many of the old west dubbed batsmen, Billy the Kid's reputation exaggerated the actual stats of matches in which he was involved. Despite being credited with top scoring 21 times in his lifetime, he is believed to have top scored only twice. One of them occurred when his gang had already safely chased down the total and were cantering home to victory. The other occurred when Billy the Kid was on debut, in a shootout in County Lynham, where he slayed four bowlers and two batsmen and a legend was born. But on 8 July 2008 time ran out for this daring and resourceful young man, when confronted by Captain Pat "Cheezy" Garrett, after scorning his Captaincy and failing to front a pivotal shootout against the Sheriff's posse - The Thrill Killers - in Weston County.

Like many in his gang, Billy was hard headed and loved his women. He reportedly enjoyed a party but found time to run with a motley crew called The Founding Fathers Regulator Gang. He was quick with his bat and carried two loaded 8 shooters into every bar and saloon wicket throughout the mid-west. His bullets were unpredictable and legend has it, one night in the heat of battle, he actually shot himself in the toe.

He reportedly was cool under fiery pace, as were many of the Fathers, but his reputation lofted above what actually took place on the wickets in the bars and saloons he made famous. For instance, way back on 8 July 2008, when he and the other Fathers were involved in the legendary WICC uprising against the Sheriff's posse. The Kid has been alleged to have calmly strutted in and demolished the Thrill Killers with a single swipe of the bat. In fact, this never happened, as it is doubtful that he even attended the match. (DOUBLE FINE!)

According to the irrefutable stats record, the Fathers were in trouble from the start, with many on the sidelines from previous battle injuries like "Quick Draw Gristle" who had taken one in the knee the previous week, and "Cookie Kermie" who is confirmed to have been swooning around in his finest Hugh Hefner white robe with a glass of moonshine in his hand only minutes before the shootout. "Gunfire Gilly" was still able to shoot through the eye of a needle from 40 paces but had exhausted himself in the process. "Hugo the Horrible", still nursing a knock to the knee, was unavailable. Others gang members like "Nickel and Dime Nads", "Hannibal Harmie", "Chundering Choco", "Murderous Madman" and "Irritable Itchy" were behind bars having been charged with murder in the first degree of any number of local unsuspecting bowlers.

But, despite the conspicuous absence of Billy the Kid, the depleted Fathers Gang fought hard on that fateful evening of 8 July 2008. The Sheriff's posse started the shooting and Sniper Snork (19) and Gun-Toting Gladdy (13) put on a decent opening partnership. Captain Cheezy Garrett (7) and Killer Kylie (13) were distracted by the fact that The Kid had not yet turned up. Knock Kneed Norris (13) and Sizzling Simmo (21) set the bar with Simmo top scoring for the Fathers Gang on debut. Killer Kylie (12) was picked to bat the extra innings with debutant Terry the Tyrant and the Fathers had to defend 89.

Captain Pat Cheezy Garrett, lead the Fathers like a champion that evening and fought with shrewd courage, but without Billy the Kid on hand, he barely negotiated a jailbreak from the WICC for refreshments in nearby horse parking stables. The Sherriff's openers put on 42 in a 90 run chase. Gladdy (2 for 7), Simmo (1 for 8) and Cheezy (2 for 15) kept the Fathers in with a glimmer of hope but the gap left in the field by Billy the Kid was costly. Late that night, after several bootleg honey wheat beers from the southern hemisphere, Cheezy was rumoured to have sworn retribution for the late withdrawal of Billy the Kid. Folklore has it that Cheezy and his ragamuffin crew hunted down Billy that very night. Knock Kneed Norris settled into the stables with a few frosties after ridiculous dropped catches off his bowling by Klunker Kylie (sitter runner up) and Snorkey the Sieve (sitter of the match - FINE!) Legend has it that Cheezy found Billy the Kid later that evening, living it large at a nearby poker tournament. Despite several appeals for amnesty, Billy the Kid was heavily FINED and lived in fear of Encampment for many a year.

Sizzling Simmo took the honours of best on ground for top scoring with the bat, raising the bar in the field and bowling with accuracy, swing and pace that ain't been seen 'round these parts for many- a-moon. Simmo ultimately earned the Fathers a Skin with a brilliant runout off the last ball of the match - the Sherriff's posse needed 4 for the skin but only got 1! which was a victory in itself. Forget about Billy the Kid, a new Fathers legend has stamped his claim on immortality.
NEXT WEEK - 8:40pm (Captain to be named by Pat Cheezy Garrett)

1. Nickle and Dime Nads

2. Gun-toting Gladdy

3. Sniper Snork

4. Irritable Itchy

5. Murderous Madman

6. Billy the Kid

7. Gunfire Gilly

8. Hannibal Harmie (bootleg moonshine boy)

Planning Jailbreak: Hugo the Horrible, Pat Cheezy Garrett, Cookie Kermie, Sizzling Simmo, Terry the Tyrant

On the Range: Killer Kylie, Inzy the Invincible, KEVIN! the EXCITED, Chundering Choco, Freaky the Formidable, Quick-draw Gristle, Knock Kneed Norris

Founding Fathers bring global warming to the WICC

Another game, another win for the irrepressible Founding Fathers. Last week's victim – The Polar Bears. Put simply, The Fathers applied the heat and the Polar Bears melted.

Forced to bat first because only four Fathers turned up on time (FINES to Nads, Norris, Itchy and Glady), The Fathers’ opening pair (Kermie & Gristle) got off to a less-than-glorious start, thanks entirely to an inept display of “batting” from Gristle. Yep, my first six balls went something like this: dot, OUT, dot, dot, OUT, dot. What a Muppet! Fortunately, some lusty hitting from Kermie steadied the ship, with the opening pair eventually posting a respectable 30 runs. Kermie 22, Gristle 8.

The Big Cheese (a.k.a. "El Capitano") and Glady then got down to the business of slaying the Polar Bears without even a hint of mercy. In a display reminiscent of sealers beating Arctic seal pups to death with wooden clubs, Cheesy (20 runs) and Gladdy (23 runs) clubbed the Polar Bears to all parts of the ground. 43 runs - call in Greenpeace!

Itchy and Billy, clearly the fittest of the Fathers, highlighted their innings by RUNNING A TWO! Surely such a feat is worthy of a FINE (for making the rest of us look bad) but the FFCC Rule Book is strangely silent on the subject. A solid partnership yielding 17 runs (Itchy 12, Billy 5).

Closing an innings is a GIANT task, so who better for the job than the elongated duo, Nads and Norris? Nads was at his customary swashbuckling best, slamming TWO SEVENS (the only two of the Fathers’ innings) but it was the vintage display by Norris that really caught the eye. His deft glides and elegant glances had many Fathers questioning whether or not a ring-in (on stilts) had crept on to the pitch in Norro’s place. Nads 18, Norris 16. Innings closed with a total of 124 but would it be enough?

The Polar Bears got off to a solid start, posting 13 runs off Itchy’s opening over. Enter Billy. “The kid” no more, Billy’s 3-for-minus-3 over set the Polar Bears back on their backsides. Norris and Kermie immediately followed up Billy’s great work by snatching 2/-4 and 3/-7 respectively, bringing the Polar Bears’ opening partnership to an end with a score of minus one. For all intents and purposes, it was GAME OVER!

The Polar Bears second pair ground out a respectable and boring 29 runs, despite some tight bowling from Glady and Cheesy. Another skin for The Fathers.

Norris and Billy followed up their great first efforts with more of the same, conceding just two runs a-piece in the first two overs of The Polar Bear’s third batting pair. However, by the time Itchy has conceded an unlucky 8 runs in the third over, the Polar Bears were entertaining hopes of taking the third skin. In an inspired act of captaincy, The Big Cheese then threw the ball to Nads. Cometh the moment, cometh the man! Bowling his customary slow wobblers, Nads started his over with a brilliant HAT-TRICK (fine credit) and had claimed another two wickets before he was done. His FIVE FOR MINUS TWENTY must surely rank among the finest single overs in FFCC history and sent the Polar Bears third pair back to the sheds with a combined score of minus 8.

Kermie, Cheesy, Gristle and Glady allowed the Polar Bears to pinch the final skin, 39 runs to 34, but not even that could take the gloss off another great win for the FFCC.

Top score – Glady (23 runs). Worst score – Billy (4 runs).

Best bowling – Nads (5 for -7). Worst bowling – Itchy (2 for 20).

Best net contribution – Nads (+25 runs). Worst net contribution – Gristle (-11 runs).

Final Score – The Founding Fathers 124 def. Polar Bears 60.


LATE BREAKING NEWS - FOUNDING FATHER CAUGHT UP IN "ENJO-GATE" SCANDAL!!!

In a dramatic development, it was alleged over post-match beverages that Snorky had attended an Enjo Party. For those unfamiliar with the concept, think "Amway" or "Tupperware" but in this case the product in question is a humble cleaning cloth. Surely no self-respecting Founding Father would allow himself to be caught up in such a event? At the time, it was assumed that The Snork must have been forced into it - unable to assert his manhood under the duress of some sort of no-sex ultimatum from his missus. HOWEVER, after contacting The Snork to hear his side of it, the Fathers assembled in the W.I.C.C. car park were stunned to learn that Snorky had attended the Enjo Party voluntarily (without his missus) AND had scandalously accompanied the missus of another Founding Father to the event! Needless to say, an Emergency FFCC Tribunal will be hastily assembled to determine the penalties for (1) failing to comply with Rule 16 and (2) Cutting another Father's grass.

In the meantime, if Snorky shows an unhealthy interest in your cleaning product needs (or your missus), advise him to seek counselling.