Welcome gentle reader to the FFCC 2008 encampment report; also known as
'Weekend at Kermie's' (or’ Itchy’s Opus’ judging by the length of this report – FFCC Webmaster) for reasons that will become clear later.
First and foremost a big vote of
thanks from all the FFCC players in attendance to Nads for making his Congo pad (known locally as the Playboy mansion) available to us for this auspicious event.
FridayFriday dawned like any other day amongst the majority of the Canberra population. For seven lucky young men however the morning air on that day positively bristled with electricity and excitement.
Gladdy, Gilly, Hugo, Norris and Itchy were the advance party leaving Canberra at around 2pm in Gladdy’s truckster. All on board were positively itching with
excitement and the trip down to Congo was well lubricated and flew by quickly with many tales of bravado and derring do. Upon arriving in Moruya the advance party were tasked with the grocery shopping. A successful mission to Woolworths saw a multitude of culinary delights loaded up into an already overloaded vehicle. After an unsuccessful cross-town search for some American ribs the boys took one final stop for ice before heading the ten minutes down the road to Congo.
Arrival at the Playboy mansion was met with much enthusiasm. The advance party unloaded in
record time and settled in for a few ‘quiet ones’ while waiting for Kermie and Nads. Fortunately the one day international between Australia and Sri Lanka was on the box so entertainment was taken care of nicely. As is the tradition with these events the advance party are obliged to get a good head start on the latecomers and this particular encampment was no exception. The boys tucked in to the impressive beer selection (“would sir care for a Cantina, a Becks, a Furstenberg, a Boags or perhaps a Guiness?”) and helped themselves to plenty of bar snacks along the way.
Around 9pm Nads and Kermie hit the deck and the seven man crew tucked into Hugo’s encampment green curry. Hugo’s encampment green curry is fast becoming a tradition on night one of encampments and with good reason. The succulent chicken pieces and select vegetables (veggies at an encampment? That’s a FINE!) combined beautifully with Hugo’s secret herbs and spices and sated the Father’s healthy appetites.
With dinner and the cricket over it was time for the formal part of the evening and the part that everyone had been anxiously awaiting, the ‘FFCC Indoor Cricketing Excellence Awards’. It had originally been mooted to occur on Saturday night but the team was so excited it was unanimously decided to have the awards Friday.
Norris kicked things off with a brief heartwarming speech about champagne cricket and the world beating achievements of the 07/08 FFCC squad and then we were into the awards proper. The awards concentrated solely on the 14 games the FFCC have had since completing the move to the Weston Indoor Cricket Centre (WICC).
Some awards night highlights included:Win/loss record: 10 wins and only 4 losses.
Most boundaries: Nads with 26
Most outs per game: Norris with 2.6
Highest number of 7’s: Gilly with 26
Best bowling performance: Itchy with 6 for -14
Highest number of extras: Hugo with 55
Highest runs average: Kermie with 19.4 runs per game
Highest bowling average: Itchy with 2.67 wickets per match
Lowest number of outs per game: Gladdy with an average of only 1 out per game
NB: Click on above chart for larger version.After the certificates of excellence and their accompanying ‘trophies’ were presented the Fathers poured over the stats sheets searching for errors that might take them into additional top positions but to no avail. The statistical maestro Norro had worked diligently in producing top notch stats capable of withstanding the toughest scrutiny.
Next was the after party, a chance for the team to let down their hair and enjoy themselves away from the prying eyes of the
media. Management had booked out the downstairs nightclub and sports bar and the boys took to both like ducks to water. The mansion had an extremely well appointed games room replete with both table tennis and pool tables. The healthy competitive spirit that drives the FFCC was soon evident with Nads declaring “I bet NO ONE will be able to beat me at table tennis this weekend!” That was like a red rag to the six other bulls who then proceeded to take Nads on at his ‘own game’. Nads held the table for some time in between games of pool but would he be able to go undefeated for the entire weekend? Only time would tell. Itchy entertained the troops with his ‘top ten’ tunes most of which were met with approval, some with disgust. The presence of Gladdy’s amplifier meant that the everyone within a three kilometer radius also had the benefit of enjoying the fine music selection.
After much merriment, competition and imbibing downstairs the boys adjourned upstairs to have a chat and a nightcap. The nightcaps flowed late into the night with one or two fines being
played also. Norris broke out the guitar and a sing song session soon took flight. ‘Two more double ryes’ proved to be the hit of the night and a star was born. Sometime early Saturday morning Kermie donned the chef’s hat and proceeded to cook up a frittata storm to keep the guitarist and lead singers going. The hapless apprentices assisting soon learned that the Kerminator did not suffer fools in his kitchen. Nevertheless, the apprentices narrowly managed to avoid a stabbing and the ensuing frittata was first class and proved an excellent late night feed, much better and more civilized than a kebab.
At this point the majority of the Fathers decided that if they were to live to fight another day then it was time to call it a night. There were however two notable exceptions to this consensus; Messers Norris and Kermie.
Amid much name calling the majority of the FFCC crew hit the sack while Norris and Kermie continued to party. After a side trip to the beach they eventually made it into bed and peace descended on day one of the 08 encampment.
Saturday Day two dawned bright and early with most Fathers up and at’em by 9am. There was, after all, a lot to be achieved on this their only full day in paradise. After a hearty breakfast of bacon and eggs ably cooked on the BBQ by Norris (notably absent were Weetbix and yoghurt) the Fathers set off for a day of activity on the beach.
The days schedule was hectic and included swimming, beach soccer, beach bocce, beach cricket, lunch, and more beach bocce.
A gentle morning dip quickly turned competitive and set the tone for the day to come with the commencement of the inaugural FFCC synchronized swimming event. Without a doubt some real talent emerged throughout the event however it was impossible to pick a winner as the majority of the participants/judges were underwater during the key moments.
The competition quickly intensified back on land with the team of Gilly, Itchy and Kermie
taking on Nads, Hugo and Gladdy firstly in beach soccer (Norris had a roving commission; switching sides when he felt like it). The game swung to and from but at full time the team consisting of Gilly, Itchy and Kermie emerged victorious 3 goals to 2.
If only the bocce had been as close. At the risk of causing further embarrassment the team of Gilly, Kermie and Itchy took on Nads, Gladdy, Hugo and Norris and gave them a bocce lesson they wouldn’t forget in a hurry.
With the bocce hastily packed away the beach cricket could commence. At this point we’d inherited an ankle biter named Jesse and his brother who got involved in the game also. Norris high scored off children’s bowling and won the day for his team much to his great pleasure (he reminded Itchy frequently that he had lost his crown from ‘07).
Another quick dip followed before it was voted that we head back to the mansion for a BBQ lunch. The barbie was prepped and the sausages were sent to their deaths as the fathers luxuriated on the deck and enjoyed a hard earned lunch. A few beers over lunch eased the fathers into a mid afternoon siesta. Itchy commandeered the hammock and was very pleased with his work while the other Fathers could only look on with envy. After an hour or so it was deemed appropriate to head back to the beach for the return bocce fixture.
The eagerly anticipated afternoon rematch was, in truth, a bit of a let down for the team of Nads, Norris, Gladdy and Hugo. Despite their best efforts (and that of their cheer squad Jesse who had rejoined us) they failed to break the shackles and went down yet again. Tensions were running high as Itchy enjoyed reminding the opposition of their shortcomings. A magnanimous gesture of good sportsmanship from Itchy, Gilly and Kermie in the offer of some after hours bocce coaching was resolutely snubbed and it was time to bid farewell to the beach and get back to the mansion for cocktails and dinner preparation.
Kermie and Hugo got to work immediately upon return to the mansion on Kermie’s secret
American Ribs recipe. All offers of assistance were rejected as the chefs worked secretly in the well appointed master kitchen. Norris and Gladdy took the opportunity to sneak off to the downstairs recording studio to ‘lay down a few tracks’ while the remaining three of Gilly, Itchy and Nads retired to the deck to enjoy a few late afternoon cocktails.
Dinner was served on the deck after much toiling in the kitchen by the aforementioned chefs and the Fathers tucked in to the succulent ribs on offer. The master chefs had done their work well and the absence of anything green or of the vegetable variety from the meal was met with much enthusiasm and appreciation. The Fathers were now well fed and with a few ‘settlers’ under their belts were ready for anything, cue Kermie taking a snooze.
The man who was ‘up for anything’ on Friday night bonked shortly after dinner on Saturday
around 7pm and hit the couch on the deck for what he assured us was a ‘quick nap’. Meanwhile the remaining six thought it was high time for some tequila, red wine and Guinness. The tequila, salt and lemons came out and despite a slow start all the (awake) Fathers proved their worth and commenced imbibing the precious Mexican gold. As the tequila flowed the music got louder and the dancing began. Now I know what you’re thinking at this point, “six burly international cricketers dancing? With each other?” No dear reader, the dancing was inspired by the introduction of a Warrick Capper wig worn by the destroyer, the master curry chef himself, Hugo.
Like a chimpanzee on methamphetamine Hugo leapt aboard the pole
holding up one of the roof sections and proceeded to thrill the dumbstruck crowd. Time and again Hugo performed moves never before seen at the mansion and unlikely seen outside of a Russian circus. Throughout this tour de force Kermie slept less than three metres away, blissfully unaware that he had just missed witnessing one of the truly great pole dancing performances of the 20th and 21st centuries combined. In order to capitalise on his spectacular pole dancing debut Hugo has rushed a do it yourself guide into shops this week (see graphic).
This dance spectacular served only to spur the Fathers on to make the most of the evening. The party hit overdrive and the merriment flowed on late into the night. At some point early on Sunday morning it was deemed appropriate to take a short stroll to the Congo ‘lookout’. Led by Nads and with a sleepy Kermie in tow (we couldn’t just leave him there asleep on his own) the seven Fathers trooped off to the lookout. A combination of stress, sleep deprivation and
heightened emotions meant the Fathers strayed off course and somehow ended up on the beach. Kermie found a nice soft spot on a dune and was soon fast asleep. In between spotting errant flares seemingly emanating from Flea’s house and the odd minke whale the group were posed the question by Gladdy, “do you know you’re related to that plant over there?” While not expecting a dissertation on shared DNA code beachside at 2am the Fathers entered the debate with relish with Itchy chanting, “yeah, but what came before THAT?” over and over and over ad nauseum. Way to shut down a debate Itchy. Perhaps a career in politics beckons.
Once whale hunting, flare spotting and scientific debate had been exhausted the Fathers
decided it was time to head back to the mansion for more fun and games. Kermie was shaken from his slumber and the group stumbled home for a sing-a-long. The encampment sing-a-long is fast becoming a tradition amongst the fathers and this years’ was spectacular for it’s volume and it’s passion. Covers mixed with original tunes nicely and the Fathers rocked the mansion. Last men standing were Norris and Itchy who really thought they were the next ‘big thing’ and jammed until being told to shut up several times by some of the more musically ‘challenged’ Fathers. Gladdy briefly reappeared to take up residence outside on the hammock as Kermie’s snoring (still asleep Kermie?) prevented any chance of sleep downstairs.
Sunday Sunday morning started off a little slow. The Fathers breakfasted on bacon and egg sandwiches before packing up and heading off to a beach, any beach, where Nads thought his team might have a chance at winning back some bocce pride. Three hours of driving down dirt tracks and hiking through national forests in search of the ‘perfect beach bocce beach’ ensued. Itchy, Gilly and Kermie (who was the brightest of all of the Fathers after a record 13 hours sleep) suspected it was a ploy to wear down the more tired and emotional members of the unit.
Finally a beach was found where, in the opinion of Nads, his team actually had a chance. He was right. The international bocce
federation has since been notified and is soon to send out an inspection team. If there was an international law that wasn’t transgressed in pitch selection then I’m sure everyone will be surprised. Littered with rocks, kelp and other miscellaneous debris the pitch selection made a joke of skill and brought blind luck into play. Nads’ team (and the demonic overlords they obviously sold their souls to) saw their chance and took it with both hands winning three sets on the trot and exorcising their ghosts from Saturday. For their part Itchy, Gilly and Kermie could only look on in disgust and humor the desperadoes who were starting to look menacing after no wins the previous day. Pitch selection amongst the rocks didn’t pay off for all of Nads’ team however with Hugo limping off at the end with a badly stubbed and suspected fractured toe.
A quick swim before jumping in the cars and the Fathers were ready to pull down the shutters on what had been a fantastic encampment weekend at the Conga playboy mansion.
Three cheers for the FFCC and a huge
thanks once more to Nads for making it possible in 2008. Here’s to the 2009 encampment!
Itchy
Cub Reporter
THE MAYOR’S LAST STAND
the pitch belting runs with the bat and cutting batsmen in half with his bowling. “I reckon I bowled the best ball of my career in me first over mate ... NNEEEEIIGGHHHHH!!!” said the champagne soaked Mare in the post match press conference.
skin by 2 runs. Snorkey on the sidelines crossed his legs in excitement.
